Written by Brigette Cormier
September 12, 2023
Something happens when you spend years, if not your entire life, under the authoritative energy of a narcissist.
When you’re living with someone who is constantly moving the goalpost, where no matter what you do, it’s never enough and they keep you in a space of needing to prove yourself to them, only for you to fail (according to them), time and time again… it breaks your spirit, your willpower. Something changes inside of you that shifts your relationship with taking care of yourself and doing positive things for yourself in your life. It feels like your hope is taken away. You begin to feel like no matter what you do, that it’s not enough, that it will not result in positive results. And so even after you leave/escape the narcissist, your broken relationship with doing things for yourself is maintained until you heal.
Basic tasks like cleaning the house, taking care of yourself, and all things that are your adult responsibilities – when no one is looking, become a space necessary for healing. You forget the purpose of doing things for yourself, for your wellbeing, because while you were in that toxic relationship you taught yourself that no matter what you do, it’s not enough. You became apathetic, and the power of doing things for yourself was taken away. So now, even with the narcissist no longer around, you act like nothing you do is enough. You act like nothing you do, even for yourself, if enough. As if there’s some ghost narcissist around you that will be unsatisfied and move the goalpost, you don’t even try to achieve, allowing a narcissist from your past to continue to abuse you, even after you have left them.
So, if this resonates with you, start to notice. That’s the first step of healing this. Notice where you tell yourself “it’s not worth it” when there’s no one else around. Notice where you assume “it won’t be enough” even when there’s no one around to criticize you. Because sometimes, because of the healing needed, the wound is prevalent even though the abuser is long gone. And it is your responsibility to heal the wound, or the narcissist will continue to haunt you and lower your quality of life.
It is your responsibility to heal the apathy that was caused by the narcissist. You need to notice. Notice where you think “it’s not worth it”, “it doesn’t matter”, “it won’t be enough”… and then respond to your apathetic thought. Respond to reprogram it, with inverse empowering statements such as “it’s enough for me”, “I think it will help me, actually”, and “it matters because I deserve it”. Start retraining your wounded self, your apathetic self, and remind your wounded self that it’s safe for you to exit apathy and enter a feeling, passionate life once more.
It’s tragic how a narcissist can steal away a person’s passion, can drain a person of their life force energy, and abuse a person into not wanting to care for their self anymore. Truly tragic. And if you’ve made it out, if you’ve escaped their abuse, and removed their toxic presence from your life, then you’ve succeeded, but indeed there is healing work to be done once you’re safe. The topic of apathy, and how once a person leaves an abusive narcissist, it must be healed, is one that I hope can be better understood from the words I’ve written here today.
You deserve to feel passionate, full of life and excitement, about your life. Little things like cleaning up, taking care of yourself, and general adult responsibilities, especially the ones no one is forcing you to do, the things that no one is watching you do, need to become a pleasure to embark upon. You must allow that for yourself. Rather than it not being worth it, make it exciting. You were abused to think you were worthless, and the way you heal that is by showing yourself how worthy you are: worthy of being taken care of and nurtured by YOU. By breaking the apathy and bringing meaning into taking care of yourself and your adult responsibilities, you heal your self-worth.
I’m sorry that you had to experience someone breaking down your will to live and take care of yourself. It’s truly unfair that there are people in the world who take pleasure in creating havoc and being cruel. But if you made it out of their abusive grasp, you can start bringing the magic, the self-love, and the joy back into your life, by allowing the apathy to fade away and your sense of agency to return. You can do the thing, especially when no one is watching you. So do it for you, do it how you want to do it, and enjoy how no criticisms happen because the narcissist is gone; revel in that relief of doing things without the constant abuse of the narcissist.
It feels freeing and healing to be able to engage in activities without the constant presence of the narcissist to break you down and convince you that what you’re doing doesn’t matter. It’s liberating for your spirit to finally be able to express itself and shine without the dark cloud of the narcissist dampening your light. And with extended time under that dark presence of the narcissist, even after getting away, you need to remind your body, muscle memory, nervous system, and mind that the dark cloud won’t return.
Your apathy activated initially to protect you; because when you emotionally detached and disconnected from the care of the results of your actions, the cruel abuse and criticism of the narcissist didn’t sting as much, didn’t hit as hard. And now that there’s no reason to protect yourself because you got away from the narcissist, it’s your responsibility to bring yourself back into safety internally. It’s your job to exit the apathy and bring meaning into the things you do for yourself once more.
It takes time, to re-realize and remember that what you do matters, that the things you do can have a positive impact on your life, and simply by you doing a task or two for yourself, with no one watching, you can improve the quality of your life. Once you start to create the new pattern of asserting yourself back into your life, making choices and doing things for yourself because you want to, because it helps you, it creates new behavioral pathways so you don’t have to walk to path of apathy again.
I hope these words were helpful and inspiring for you. I believe in you, in your passion, your creativity, and your willpower to make your life better. I hope you begin to believe in you too.
With love,
Brigette
Founder, Love Steady Lifestyle
Lovesteadylife.com
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